You Know You are Getting Old When..... Vasectomy

So, I haven't been on the computer lately.  Life has gotten in the way.... Sorry about that.  I have a wonderful new job that I will be starting soon.  It is 20 minutes from home, something really different from what I am used to and enables me to be more involved in the community that I live in.  It also makes me buy steel-toe boots, a first! 

But first I get to make it through tomorrow.  My husband is older than I am, and had a son before we met.  We have two beautiful daughters together, and he is done having kids.  He has a scheduled Vasectomy tomorrow afternoon.  I only ever wanted two kids, I am still sure that is enough.  But for some reason I am almost in tears at the thought of him going through with this.  We have talked it over, he has volunteered to wait.  In my head I know we should just do it and get it over with.  But in my HEART I know that I am not ready to never hold another newly born baby in my arms, feel that precious kick under my ribs of the child in my belly. 

We did not have an easy time having babies.  We were told at one point that we would never have our own.  Then when it happened, it opened up a whole lot of terrible memories and hurt feelings for both of us which almost resulted in divorce.  I almost died while delivering my sweet baby, and then spent three days alone in the hospital, not knowing if my husband would be home when we got there, or if I had a home to go to.  My mother-in-law brought us home, unaware that there was ever a problem, dropped us off and went to work.  Paige and I fell asleep on the couch.  The next thing I knew Chris was taking her out of my arms and sitting in the rocking chair, holding her and crying.  Things were amazing after that.  Our second baby just two years later brought us so much closer.  So, while our house is full, and our hearts are full, I still dread the permanency of this procedure. 

He says that he is too old for more.  There isn't enough money for more kids.  There isn't room in the house.  I keep picturing the day that Mia was born and the minute that I saw her, got to hold her.  Can that really be it?  I don't want more kids, I am fairly certain, but I don't think that I am ready to relinquish the right to change my mind. 

I spoke with a friend about my dread, she also had fertility problems, and her husband went through the procedure last year.  She didn't feel this way prior to the procedure and doesn't regret it.  Am I just weird? Should I put my foot down and say no, tomorrow is not the right day for this?  Well, tonight I will pray for a peace that exceeds my understanding, and the wisdom to know what to say and if I should say anything at all, or just bite my tongue and hold back a tear as this life changing event happens tomorrow. 

Life Changing News...

So, after we had the baby in the ER on Monday night, I had an even more eventful Tuesday.  I was called to my bosses office right before I left for the day and told that my position was being eliminated, and my last day is Friday.  I don't think that I have really absorbed it yet.  

Most of you know that I am a Medical Technologist. Here is the rest of my story.  I was hired at this hospital right after school, as a newlywed in a new town.  I was a generalist on the afternoon shift, and quickly promoted to the afternoon shift supervisor.  Two years after I started working there, I was promoted to a department head position.  This is an amazing feat for any Med Tech. I was the youngest section head at this hospital.  I led my department for two years before I had my first baby.  While I was on leave, a big hospital from downstate bought my community hospital and our world's turned upside down.  We went from a hospital that was making a profit and running well, to being run by people sent in from the corporation.  People that don't care about our community. People that make very expensive, very stupid mistakes and make the rest of us pay for it.  I am sure that a lot of you have gone through something similar.  I have heard about it on the news, but until now I haven't felt it. 

My department in the lab was eliminated, the work sent to the mothership while I was on leave with my youngest baby.  I returned to my dream job, specially created for me.  Perfect hours, no call, no weekend and no holidays.  Two months ago my hours were cut, which was actually great for this mommy.  Now this.  I know that in the long run I will be better off. I know that my God has a plan for me that I haven't yet seen.  I know that for my girls this will probably be their best summer with mommy home with them. 

But I also know that I was born in that hospital.  My girls were born there.  It was my first grown-up job. I was so scared my first day.  I was scared of our Blood Banker, until I stood up to her.  I spent so many years celebrating, mourning, loving, hating, fighting and growing with this family I have created at this hospital.  It hurts that these outsiders have come in, taken over and run it into the ground.  They don't hurt like we do, we built this hospital, they are just tearing it down. 

I dread tomorrow.  I hate goodbyes.  I love my hospital.  I will cry.  I will take my time and linger in the hallways.  I will take an extra long time when I leave. I will snap one last picture as I leave the building.

I will find a better job.  I will grow from this. My family will be stronger.  My God is amazing, I will praise him in my weak moments.  I will praise him while I get to play with my girls days on end.  I will praise him as I write these post for you all.  I am grateful for the chance to help you all get back to that from which we come from.