So, I haven't been on the computer lately. Life has gotten in the way.... Sorry about that. I have a wonderful new job that I will be starting soon. It is 20 minutes from home, something really different from what I am used to and enables me to be more involved in the community that I live in. It also makes me buy steel-toe boots, a first!
But first I get to make it through tomorrow. My husband is older than I am, and had a son before we met. We have two beautiful daughters together, and he is done having kids. He has a scheduled Vasectomy tomorrow afternoon. I only ever wanted two kids, I am still sure that is enough. But for some reason I am almost in tears at the thought of him going through with this. We have talked it over, he has volunteered to wait. In my head I know we should just do it and get it over with. But in my HEART I know that I am not ready to never hold another newly born baby in my arms, feel that precious kick under my ribs of the child in my belly.
We did not have an easy time having babies. We were told at one point that we would never have our own. Then when it happened, it opened up a whole lot of terrible memories and hurt feelings for both of us which almost resulted in divorce. I almost died while delivering my sweet baby, and then spent three days alone in the hospital, not knowing if my husband would be home when we got there, or if I had a home to go to. My mother-in-law brought us home, unaware that there was ever a problem, dropped us off and went to work. Paige and I fell asleep on the couch. The next thing I knew Chris was taking her out of my arms and sitting in the rocking chair, holding her and crying. Things were amazing after that. Our second baby just two years later brought us so much closer. So, while our house is full, and our hearts are full, I still dread the permanency of this procedure.
He says that he is too old for more. There isn't enough money for more kids. There isn't room in the house. I keep picturing the day that Mia was born and the minute that I saw her, got to hold her. Can that really be it? I don't want more kids, I am fairly certain, but I don't think that I am ready to relinquish the right to change my mind.
I spoke with a friend about my dread, she also had fertility problems, and her husband went through the procedure last year. She didn't feel this way prior to the procedure and doesn't regret it. Am I just weird? Should I put my foot down and say no, tomorrow is not the right day for this? Well, tonight I will pray for a peace that exceeds my understanding, and the wisdom to know what to say and if I should say anything at all, or just bite my tongue and hold back a tear as this life changing event happens tomorrow.
